Perpsective...Again

PERSPECTIVE.  The original inspiration and drive for this blog.  While the importance of this idea has been lost many times along the way, I am occasionally reminded if it in such a powerful way that it moves me to write about it or to make an about face in my life.

In the 3^rd Trimester of my pregnancy with our fourth child I have embarrassingly found myself moody, grumpy, unthankful, easily angered, frustrated, quick tempered and just plain not enjoyable.  Why?  Oh because my life is JUST SO HORRIBLE  (insert shameful sarcasm here).

I’ve said this before, but my very worst of days may be the kind of day that some only dream of.  My “big deals” and daily “stressors” are NOTHING in the grand scheme of things.  And quite frankly, I’d like to boldly tell myself, “Get over it!”

In the past couple weeks alone I know people who have laid a child to rest, spent time in and out of the hospitals,  gotten terminal diagnoses for themselves or have been told that they will soon have to watch their child die.

…My stressors are NOTHING when compared to any of that!

I have so very much to be thankful for that I have begun to take for granted.  I should be thanking the good Lord for every breath that my family and I take and for everything that happens between each breath.  (Afterall, somewhere tonight, I’m certain that somebody is wishing that their child could take just one more breath!!)

I’d like to reflect on all of the things that I have to be thanking the Lord for, not to boast or showcase, but mostly as a written reminder to myself….

I have been saved and promised a place in Heaven.  I have a hardworking and faithful husband who really spends time with his kids and helps out wherever he can…who provides for this family beyond our necessities.

We have a nice place to live where we can be together.  We’re warm when it’s cold out and comfortable when it’s hot out.  We have good food to fill our bellies. We have reliable vehicles to get us from place to place. We have warm beds to rest of the night and…we have a family that is still intact!

I have three (Lord Willing, soon to be 4) amazing children.  They are happy.  They are healthy…something I’ve taken for granted far too often and pray continues through the course of their lives. They have amazing qualities that sometimes I wish I would stop being too busy to appreciate….filled with curiosity, love, energy, heart and childhood ‘innocence’ and tenderness that will fade away far too quickly.

Thank you Lord for every single thing that I’ve mentioned and forgive me for anything that I have forgotten, minimized or have taken for granted.  I pray this will be a reminder to myself that each day is a gift…no matter how ‘difficult’ it may seem, may I do more to embrace it with a smile, a good attitude and grace!!

 

And Then I Blinked

And Then I Blinked

 

I’m certain I’ve written this blog post at least five other times, either in my head or on my blog, with different words or coming from different emotions. 

 This week has been a difficult week as all of my little ones have been a bit under the weather and needing as much of Mommy as Mommy has to offer….Tugging at both my heart strings as well as my patience.  (Mommyhood is a job of endurance…there’s no questions about that!  Physical, Mental, Emotional and any other way you can endure something.)  With all of that being said, it’s also been a sweet, tender week.  It’s been a  week that caused me to slow down and spend more time with my kids. 

 Somehow in the midst of all of that, the fact that my babies are quickly growing up hit me square in the face and in the middle of my heart.  I’ve said it before…THREE (years old) is TOUGH, but it also SO VERY AMAZING, so sweet, so funny, so innocent, so full of life, so curious, so compassionate, so loving, so kind, so helpful, so honest, so creative, so imaginative…so special and priceless! 

 There are, no doubt, moments in our days that I wish I could fast forward right through, but I know that without those tough moments, I wouldn’t appreciate those amazing ones quite as much. 

 If you know me at all, you know that I am a very nostalgic person, especially when it comes to my children.  People will often say to me (after finding out that we are having a 4^th baby -16 months after our 3^rd), “Oh, well at least you will have a BABY again!” 

 I know that people mean well when they say this, but I think the ones that say it must only have one or two kids…because here’s the thing… Having another baby only makes your other babies grow up even faster.  I was warned of this subsequent child phenomenon.  I was warned that as soon as I brought home the new baby that my other children would seem so grown.  And sure enough, I left for the hospital and I had my two sweet 2 ½ year old toddlers and I came home to two little boys…now seeming, older, wiser, more mature, bigger, and much less like the babies I had seen them as before.  (This has pros and cons for everybody) 

 

 

 When baby number 4 arrives…I will leave my babies at home… but I still feel like one of them will STILL BE A BABY!  16 months old is still very much a baby to me!!!  I don’t want Ellie to seem big faster than she has to.

 My boys have grown up so quickly and they remind me on a daily basis how big they are getting.  Today after the boys got up from their nap, I went in their room and laid down with them and read stories a bit.  Nolan looked at me and said, “Mommy, I’m getting so big.  Only a little bit more and I’ll be big enough to go to school and for the school bus to come pick me up.”  I nearly burst into tears.  Moments later he said, “Mommy can you rock me like you did when I was a baby? And sing me that song that you used to sing me?”  Then the tears came rolling!! 

I love all of my children so very very much and thank the Lord for each of them.  I have to admit though, the hardest part of being a mom to many (other than the constant chaosJ ) is the guilt that I have always felt for not being able to give more… more time, more attention, more love, more snuggles, more stories, more small moments reserved just for that one child…. 

So, the point of all of this?

I still remember that very moment back in 2009 when I got my very first positive pregnancy test at 6:00 in the morning.  I paced the room back and forth with some kind of excitement that I never knew existed.  (I had, afterall, waited two years for that test!!)  That moment still seems so fresh, and here we are, four years later, with three amazing children and on the way..

 

…I Blinked….

 

I blinked and my life happened!  Pry your eyes open Mommy!  For you will blink again and another four amazing years will have passed you by!  Cherish every moment… big and small; awesome and not so awesome!

Setting the Record Straight

 

 You would think I’d be used to all of the stares, pointing and beyond inappropriate comments by now.  It happens every time I take my children anywhere…even on their best behaved days!  I go it with “the boys” (the twins)…and once Ellie entered into the picture (or even during my pregnancy)…entering into the three under three club…it just intensified. 

 

This past week we had a spontaneous day (of which I have no pictures)… we were gone from the house from 8:00-1:00…spontaneity doesn’t usually work too well with three small children!  (I’m talking so spontaneous that I didn’t even have a diaper for Ellie!)  *enter gasp here*

 

On our third stop of the day, we went to Michael’s to get some wooden boxes for the boys to put their rock collection in.  I had two kids in  the stroller and I was wearing the other.  As we were standing in line patiently waiting to check out this lady turned to me with wide eyes and mouth dropped and said, “Oh. My. God.  You have your hands FULL!” 

 

More than slightly annoyed I turned to here, laughed, smiled and held both of my hands up on the air and said, “My hands are completely empty.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

 

On our next stop (Sam’s Club) we were standing in line and this older lady comes up to me seeming a bit puzzled and asks, “Are they all YOURS?” 

 

“Yes. They are.” I said.

 “Honey, I think it’s about time for you to shut down the factory.”  She boldly told me. 

 

And there it was…I had had it…. So I smiled and politely turned away from her. 

 

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why people feel sorry for me that I have children.  The world somehow views children as a burden, a curse even. 

 

There was a time in my life, not too long ago, that I prayed to the Lord that He would bless us with children.  I wondered if I would ever know what it was like to be a biological mom of even one child.  During this process I went through a very spiritual journey understanding that God was in control of it all and if He wanted me to have a child…I would…if He didn’t…the I wouldn’t. 

 

The Bible says in Psalm 127:3 “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.”

 

He intended for children to be a blessing and not a burden.  I’m not going to lie… being a Mommy is the single most challenging thing I’ve ever attempted in my life…and I’m thinking it’s not getting any easier…but hear this….

 

The Lord has BLESSED us with three wonderful children who add so much to our lives…three children that I wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world even on their worst of days! 

 

Unexpected Perspective

Perspective….After all, it is the whole basis of this blog.  Sometimes I find the best perspective in the most unusual places.

 

On Mother’s Day (2013) we took my mom into the ER for pneumonia and bronchitis….not exactly the ideal mother’s day…Three days later we took her back and she had to be admitted into the hospital because she was only getting worse. 

 

As I was sitting with my mom last night at the hospital waiting for all of the admission stuff to be taken care of I said half-jokingly, “Luckily, I only have good memories of hospitals.  Don’t ruin that for me, okay mom?” 

 

I think for most people hospitals drum up some sort of strong emotion either positive or negative or possibly somewhere in between.  Despite the loss I have experienced in my life….my grandma (I was really too young to know about it), my Grandpa (who passed away of cancer and spent his final days in our home with us) and my own father….I have somehow escaped the darkness that often surrounds hospitals.  As I was sitting there with my mom, my only association was hospitals and babies…I could still imagine me as a new my cuddled up with Asher and Nolan and trying to figure out how to fit us all in the same bed and more recently, our one quiet night with Ellie at the hospital. 

 

It reminded me again of the decision I made not to go to my dad as he lay lifeless in the hospital bed…He was in Mississippi and I was in North Carolina with two two week old little babies to take care of.  He was already gone and I knew if I went to see him I may forever regret it by replacing my amazing final memories with him with new horrific images….My perspective may be forever changed…

 

More perspective….

 

As I was driving home from the hospital late last night after visiting with my mom I was praying that she would stay healthy and that this would be nothing more than a simple case of bronchial pneumonia and that she would remain with us and healthy for many years to come…I was also thinking…That was the most time I’ve gotten to actually spend with my mom in a long time.  Even though she’s been visiting she hasn’t felt well but on top of that taking care of three kids is a bit time consuming J  As odd as it was…It was great to spend time with my mom last night at the hospital…even laughing and joking…..

 

Perspective.  How much control do you think we have over our perspective?  Do our experiences change our perspective or do WE control our perspective?  Personally I think it’s a little of both, but more the first than the latter?  As strange as it is...I think the 'bad' things that happen to us have the potential to give our perspective a more positive spin...if we let them!

You're A Mommy

Yes, it has been 9 months since my last post...I'd like to think that I could take the time to "catch up" but, if I'm honest with myself, I know that that is just not going to happen!  I've had so many things that I've wanted to blog about, but simply haven't had the time to do it.  Unfortunatley, those ideas and thoughts have slipped away somewhere and got jumbled up with nursing a baby, preparing three meals a day, changing diapers, washing diapers, potty training (which is thankfully FINISHED), dishes, cooking with my boys and lots of memory making.  So, I'll just focus on today's ideas...

How fitting that it is Mother's Day!  My 4th if you want to get really specific....

Mother's Day 2010...Very pregnant with two little boys....

Mother's Day 2010....just a few more weeks of just the two of us...

Mother's Day 2011... Mommy of two almost 1 year olds

Mother's Day 2012...12 weeks with Baby E

and Mommy of two almost 2 year olds

Mother's Day 2013... Mommy of THREE amazing children!!

 (and I got to spend it with my Mommy too:)

 

I'll keep those post short and to the point. 

 

At night when we tuck the boys into bed I think of a few things...Mostly how truly blessed I am to have such an amazing family!  (I've said it before and I'll say it again...) There were many years I thought I'd never know the joy of being a Mommy...The Lord had plans for me...I just had to wait on HIM!  His timing is ALWAYS perfect!  I tuck them into bed and think how blessed we are and how blessed they are to have a MOMMY & A DADDY to tuck them in together.  I realize more and more that this is not the "normal" for our society and that households with both parents are becoming more and more unusual.  (I was a child of one of those households, but I have to say...I think I was better off for it and so were the relationships with my parents) BUT I am so happy to be a part of a family I had only ever dreamed and to be able to offer this love and security to our children. 

 

Like I was saying...after I say prayers with the boys I kiss them goodnight, usually making a funny face.... Every night Nolan says laughing, "Don't be funny, Mommy. Don't be funny. 

 

I reply, "I can't help it, I'm just a funny person." 

 

And he says...It gets me every time... "You're not a person. You're a Mommy!" 

 

I've written about this before... being lost in "just a Mommy" but recently I'm more than happy to be "just a Mommy"  It one of my primary roles in life right now (aside from being wife to my husband).  One day my children will grow up and I won't be "just a Mommy" anymore...

I'll figure out what else I am later! 

 

For now...I'm taking my son's words to heart...

 

"You're not a Person! You're a Mommy!" 

 

....more than I ever dreamed of being... a role I feel both honored and challenged to fill....a role I will be forever grateful for and cherish all of my days....

 

I love you Asher, Nolan and Ellie!  Thank you for calling me Mommy and helping me to become a better person for you!  May you always know that I love you and wish nothing but the best for you!  This has by far been the best Mother's Day yet!!!

Elated and Gulity

Elated and Guilty

Nearly into my third trimester and the realization of another baby is really starting to “kick” in (pun intended – as I feel this baby girl move all around).

From the moment I found out I was going to be a Mommy when I was expecting Asher and Nolan (of course I didn’t know it was two for several weeks) I loved them more than I ever imagined possible.  After two years of trying to conceive the  “Mommy Gene” had already kicked in full force.

Eight Weeks 3 Days with Asher and Nolan

During my entire pregnancy I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love with them as they gained genders, names, special places and things in our home that we would soon share with them…I loved them so much! 

Then they arrived….that impossible love..it grew, it doubled and so did my heart. 

Less than an hour old...Holding both of my babies at the same time for the first of MANY MANY times!

I’ve heard of people wondering how they will ever love their second child as much as their first, but I thought I was free of this worry for two reasons…I never expected to have another child AND I never had just one baby…well for 15 seconds in the delivery room if you want to get technical. J  In all seriousness though, I’ve always loved two…always divided my attention between two and doubled my love amongst them. 

I did not, however, escape this worry as I thought I had.  Tonight, guilt has swept over me.  I love Ellie..of course I do!  I still can’t believe we are going to have a daughter, that the Lord has blessed us with another child, but I fear the mother I may become.

Nathan says that I am too hard on myself and expect too much out of myself when it comes to being a Mommy, but I just don’t see how that’s possible.  If I do nothing else right in this world I want to be the wife and mother that the Lord intends me to be and fall not one inch short of that. 

When I think of the logistics of the “three under three” club (That’s three children under the age of three) it seems a bit challenging, as I’m sure it will be.  When I was pregnant with the boys I “prepared myself for the worst.”  I told myself that I wasn’t going to sleep for at least a year, that I wouldn’t have any free time for about five years and that certain household expectations would have to change, at least for a little while, and that for the first three months we would be in SURVIVAL MODE (alive, minimum sleep for everybody at some point, food, water, shelter) and anything further would be a great stride for that day.  That preparation and mode of thinking worked for me knowing I was providing my children the very best that I could offer them, but this time around…it’s different.  Survival mode cannot mean the same things.  I will have a baby AND two toddlers to care for.  I don’t want Asher and Nolan to miss out on activities, learning, fun, structure, or attention because I’m on survival mode with Ellie.  I want them to experience everything they did before being “big brothers”.  I pray that I never lose enough sleep that my children don’t know how much I love them.  I pray for patience, wisdom, kind words, a gentle spirit and endurance! 

I know this isn’t impossible, but at the moment with my pregnancy and mommy hormones running high, it’s brought about emotions that I don’t want to miss.  Without these feelings, I would never gain a plan of action to overcome these obstacles! 

Bottom line is, I love my children and I want to be the best Mommy for them!

Finding My Little Pice of Home...One Moment at a Time

Finding My Little Piece of Home…One Moment at a Time

Leaving Wilmington isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it certainly hasn’t been the most pleasant either.  Wilmington has been my home for the past ten years.  Having grown up in a military (aka traveling) family, I’ve never known a home to be a location for any length of time.  For the most part, as a child and even as a teenager, I appreciated this lifestyle and enjoyed the diversity that it added to my life.  This, however, has been a very different experience.

I moved to Wilmington fresh out of high school when I was eighteen years old.  When somebody asks, “where did you grow up?” I give one of two answers… “I was in a military family…so everywhere,”  or as I’ve newly come to understand, “I lived in Wilmington from 18 to 28 and THAT is when you REALLY grow up.”  It’s true.  That’s where my life seemed to begin.  College, a career, a passion (which has since almost faded from my life) for surfing and the ocean altogether, a teaching job that I learned so much from, my husband, our children, our church and some of the very best friends for which a girl could ask.

(Please forgive me if I failed to put a picture of you in here...if you are in my life in Wilmington and I love you then I hope you know I love you! These were just some of my most recent pictures I had for the blog) 

No, leaving Wilmington has not been easy.  There are so many things I miss about that place…It’s a place filled with so many very special memories.  I miss knowing people when we are out and about.  I miss knowing how to get from point A to point B without taking a wrong turn. I miss having favorite spots.  I miss walking down the street and knowing our neighbors by name.  I miss our church, where we were members our entire marriage – and attended regularly before that.  I miss the ocean air and the atmosphere of being at the beach.  I miss our sidewalks. I miss knowing where every gas station was, where the grocery stores were, the back roads to any place I wanted to get to. I miss going to El Cerro Grande and having a favorite server.  I miss quick trips to The Fuzzy Peach.  I miss pulling into my favorite access at Kure Beach.  I miss the river.  I miss the sunset.  I miss our tiny quaint little house – jammed packed with memories.  I miss my friends.  I miss my children’s friends (aka my friend’s children J)  I miss feeling local.  I miss a sense of security that ‘home’ seemed to offer. I miss my impromptu adventures with friends and play dates with friends…

It’s been difficult.  We’ve been in Kernersville for one month today and I’m still missing all of those things listed above.  I’m making an effort as best as I can, but I miss all of those things.  I go out on little ‘adventures’ and sometimes feel so defeated by this place as I make a wrong turn and wonder where I am. This house is beautiful and we are fortunate, but what I realized I miss the most about our old house is that it was filled with memories…memories that this place hasn’t had the opportunity to experience.

First Movie Night

Playing in the front yard

First 'cook out' on July 4th

Trying the new park

Ms. Mary's Annual Childrens Parade

Enjoying the new "playroom"

A little cooking...

I have no doubt that this will continue to be difficult for some time to come, but what I know is this…That old saying, “Home is where the heart is” has to be true. I hope that we will quickly fill this house and town with beautiful and fond memories.  Just last night Nathan was giving Asher & Nolan a bath and I heard Nathan playing with them and the boys were squealing and laughing and I saw a glimpse of hope.  They ARE my heart.  Those three people (and that one little girl growing inside of me) are my everything and they are here…which means THIS MUST BE THE BEST PLACE FOR ME!