Elated and
Guilty
Nearly into
my third trimester and the realization of another baby is really starting to “kick”
in (pun intended – as I feel this baby girl move all
around).
From the
moment I found out I was going to be a Mommy when I was expecting Asher and
Nolan (of course I didn’t know it was two for several weeks) I loved them more
than I ever imagined possible. After two
years of trying to conceive the “Mommy
Gene” had already kicked in full force.
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| Eight Weeks 3 Days with Asher and Nolan |
During my entire pregnancy I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love
with them as they gained genders, names, special places and things in our home
that we would soon share with them…I loved them so much!
Then they arrived….that impossible love..it
grew, it doubled and so did my heart.
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| Less than an hour old...Holding both of my babies at the same time for the first of MANY MANY times! |
I’ve heard of
people wondering how they will ever love their second child as much as their
first, but I thought I was free of this worry for two reasons…I never expected
to have another child AND I never had just one baby…well for 15 seconds in the
delivery room if you want to get technical. J
In all seriousness though, I’ve always loved two…always divided my
attention between two and doubled my love amongst them.
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I did not,
however, escape this worry as I thought I had.
Tonight, guilt has swept over me.
I love Ellie..of course I do! I
still can’t believe we are going to have a daughter, that the Lord has blessed
us with another child, but I fear the mother I may become.
Nathan says
that I am too hard on myself and expect too much out of myself when it comes to
being a Mommy, but I just don’t see how that’s possible. If I do nothing else right in this world I
want to be the wife and mother that the Lord intends me to be and fall not one
inch short of that.
When I think
of the logistics of the “three under three” club (That’s three children under
the age of three) it seems a bit challenging, as I’m sure it will be. When I was pregnant with the boys I “prepared
myself for the worst.” I told myself
that I wasn’t going to sleep for at least a year, that I wouldn’t have any free
time for about five years and that certain household expectations would have to
change, at least for a little while, and that for the first three months we
would be in SURVIVAL MODE (alive, minimum sleep for everybody at some point,
food, water, shelter) and anything further would be a great stride for that
day. That preparation and mode of
thinking worked for me knowing I was providing my children the very best that I
could offer them, but this time around…it’s different. Survival mode cannot mean the same
things. I will have a baby AND two
toddlers to care for. I don’t want Asher
and Nolan to miss out on activities, learning, fun, structure, or attention
because I’m on survival mode with Ellie.
I want them to experience everything they did before being “big brothers”. I pray that I never lose enough sleep that my
children don’t know how much I love them.
I pray for patience, wisdom, kind words, a gentle spirit and endurance!
I know this
isn’t impossible, but at the moment with my pregnancy and mommy hormones
running high, it’s brought about emotions that I don’t want to miss. Without these feelings, I would never gain a
plan of action to overcome these obstacles!
Bottom line
is, I love my children and I want to be the best Mommy for them!
