Survival: Expiring Soon

Survival: Expiring Soon

Having a baby changes everything…. DUH!  As if we didn’t all know THAT one!  There is a specified length of time after having a baby that I affectionately refer to as “survival.”  For twins, that allotted time of survival is at least a year!  The goals of life include only the very basics: breathing, feeding the babies and hopefully mama too and at some point there is some amount of sleep going on (though much less than desired).  However, for a singleton, that survival time is only “allowed” to be about 4-6 months. 

                …… SIDE NOTE…. Having our 5 kids in the house…. I feel like survival mode may last for the next 18 years…. But that’s for another post….

So, here we are.  Five months post-partum and survival mode is soon expiring.  You see, this mode of operation is much easier when there aren’t other children to take care of.  During survival mode, schedules fluctuate, meals get a little junkier, the house gets a little more cluttered, discipline goes down the drain (with your energy level) and days of quality activity or accomplishments are few and far between. 

Last night, I made a decision.  I’m going to transition from a night owl to a morning person.  If you know me at all, you know that I can easily stay up until 2:00am and wake and function the next morning with no problems.  (However, this usually means I’m waking up about 8:00am…with my children #truth).  Midnight is ‘early’ for me and 10:00pm seems like the bedtime of a preschooler, BUT…… That’s what I’ve decided.

I’m kind of an extreme person.  (GASP)  I have the goal of waking up sometime before 5:00, but saying 4:30 still seems to early, so I’m not going to say that out loud yet. 

In a house full of children, the quiet is hard to come by.  I either have to stay up late or get up early. Those are the options. 

DAY 1:  Woke up at 5:45.  Folded Laundry.  Took a 10 minute power walk on the treadmill (This was not for exercise sake, don’t worry… this was just to get the blood pumping).  Showered. Make-up. Wrote thank you cards…. All by 6:30. Sounds good, right?! 

HAHAHAHAHA!  Jokes on me!  This little list doesn’t include that the three year old needed assistance to the bathroom two times during this time, then needed his “potty candy” (aka chocolate chip for using the bathroom).  Oh yeah, his blankets needed fixed too (eye roll here).  Riiiiiiii-gggghhhhhhtttttt.  And the baby woke up three times. 

This plan doesn’t seem to be going as well as hoped.  A morning of quiet, peacefulness and productivity doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight, no matter how much I desire it. 

Back to the drawing board (probably at midnight) 😊

Little Moments Create A Lifetime of Memories

Father's Day.  A day that has become difficult for me with each passing year without my own father with which to celebrate.  It's a day of mixed emotion.  A day that I'm thankful that my children were blessed with an involved and loving Daddy, but also a day that I miss mine more that I'd like to.

This year was uniquely special  as we spent Father's Day with extra family.

I decided that since it was Father's Day, we could go around and share some of our favorite memories of our Fathers.  The answers surprised me.

Unfortunately I don't remember the details.  BUT.... I remember sitting there listening to the answers of all of the people gathered around our table.  From the young child to the Grandmas & Grandpas, the theme was consistent.  TIME . SIMPLICITY.

Several responses included a fishing trip.  Who knew fishing was so magical? But even my own favorite memories consisted of fishing trips with my dad.

I wrote a post on this several years back right after my dad died.  It's never these huge moments, the scrapbook worthy adventures, the several thousand dollars worth of plane tickets or miles traveled across a sea... It's the simple, daily ordinary things that become extraordinarily priceless over the years.

So, slow down mama.  Sit down.  Cuddle.  Read the Book.  Dance.  Sing the song.  Color.  Bake the cookies.  Take the walk.  Ride the Bike.  Be a Kid.  Laugh.  Smile.... For those moments that seem mundane today, will be the memories etched into your child's memory for a lifetime to come....

Who Am I?

CAUTION: TRANSPARENT TRUTH AHEAD!

Our Pastor often reminds us that, for the most part, women change and men don't.  As a woman, and a married woman at that, I can tell you that this certainly seems to be the truth. 

 (And ladies, I'm not just talking about physical changes, though, obviously that happens too ... insert big sigh and eye roll right about here!)

When I look back at who I was so many ages ago, and see little of that girl left inside of me, I feel disappointed.  Disappointed for what I once was and am no longer.  Disappointed in what I have yet to become.  Did you know that the first time my (not then) husband and I met, I was in a winter wet suit, no make up, salty hair and a smile on my face, happy to be sitting on my board in the ocean?  THAT girl!  THAT girl was a bit of a "tom boy," confident, full of life and ready for the next adventure.  THAT girl surfed overhead waves on our honeymoon, knew how to skateboard, wasn't afraid to get dirty and almost knew how to enjoy life.

Fast forward a few years ....

The day Asher and Nolan were born, a little piece of "that girl" died, but I blossomed to Mommy.

The day my dad died, a little piece of "that girl" died. 

 The day Ellie  was born, a little piece of "that girl"  died, but I was still Mommy. 

The day Riley was born, a little piece of  "that girl" died, but growing as a Mommy.  

The day our heavenly baby was born, a little piece of "that girl" died, but growing in the Lord. 

The day Lucas was born, a little piece of "that girl" died,but experienced God's faithfulness.   

Now, don't interpret that as my children ruined my life.  That is NOT what I'm saying, so stay with me.  NOT AT ALL! I wouldn't trade any or all of 'that girl' for my children!

Becoming a mama changes everything.  You learn to love a love that you didn't even know existed.  You are fiercely protective over your babies and want NO harm to come their way... physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or otherwise.  Your priorities shift.  Your desires shift.  Your heart is liable to burst into a thousand pieces at any moment.... And your stress level.... well.....

I feel sorry for my poor husband who probably barely recognizes me anymore... "That girl" that he married, has pretty much all gone away and what he's been left with, what my children have inherited for a mother... What I've become... doesn't even resemble her, not even a little.

I wish it were different, I wish I could be both the past and the present.  But one thing I have now that "that girl"didn't have... A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD.... and I'm pretty sure that might just be precious and valuable than the biggest wave I could ever surf.

Who am I now?  What am I now?
I am a wife to an extraordinarily hardworking man.  I am mommy to some amazing little ones.  I am daughter to a pretty crazy cool mom.  I am friend.  I am organizer, planner, thinker, cooker, researcher, cleaner, teacher, counselor, scheduler, worrier, list maker, activity coordinator, grocery shopper, errand runner, bargain hunter, inventory keeper...

Above all that, I am a child of God.  God, who has proven himself faithful in my life more than once.
And if I'm being embarrassingly honest... I'm a lot more than this....And not in a good way... I'm stressed.  I'm overwhelmed.  I want desperately for the 'idea' of my family to match the reality of my family.  I feel like I'm failing daily.  I often don't know which way is up.  I'm too "busy" (with stupid stuff) to love on my family in the ways that I really need to.   I have more guilt than I care to admit....

I know I am blessed beyond my greatest expectations, but somehow, I'm too busy drowning upstream to see the stream.  I want stay afloat for a few moments... To take in the metaphorical cool water, warm breeze, green trees, smooth rocks, chirping birds and the ease at which the stream flows.

So, in conclusion. Who Am I?  You know what, I don't think I know.  I don't think I'll become who I want to be, but through this exploratory writing I'm reminded of one thing.  I don't want to be who I want to be.  I want to be who the Lord wants me to be and what he wants and desires for me to be.  Now, my job is to stop setting my own path and prayerfully ask the Lord to clearly direct my route to who HE wants me to be.