The Last Time - (Read with Caution PG13)

June 12, 2010....A day that I may never forget. 

Early in the afternoon Nathan and I set out to run some errands with our very new infants.  They were only two weeks old.  It was the first time I had dressed them in 'real' clothes.  Until this moment they had always been dressed in premature pajamas (which I cannot seem to bare to get rid of, by the way)  But this day they were dressed in a real outfit, that my dad had helped pick out one pregnant day I was shopping at Target and talking to him on the telephone.  Nathan and I were just beside ourselves at how adorable they looked, so we sent a picture message to my dad, who had just left our house about a week before. 

This is the picture message that we sent.

After my dad received the message, he called so we could discuss how adorable they boys were. :-)  I felt so happy that my dad was almost as thrilled as I was about these little guys.  I was so excited to be able to share all of that with him in one way or another.

I could've never guessed this would be the very last time I talked to him....Ever..

Nathan and I went on about our errands.  I don't even remember where we went.  (I'm sure I was just excited to be getting out)

That afternoon I had a few missed calls from my dad, which I didn't think anything of.  We talked to each other several several times a day. 

In the early evening Nathan and I took the boys for a walk for the first time in the jogging stroller that Grandpa Frank got for them. 

When we returned from this walk, I realized I had missed a few more phone calls from my dad and then a couple from my dad's girlfriend.  My heart sank, as none of that seemed quite normal. 

I quickly called her back, feeling very much like something was very wrong. 

"Are you sitting down?" she asked me....Then I knew something was more wrong that I had first thought. "Your dad has been in an accident.  He's been hit by a car.....(insert other horrific details)...He's unresponsive and they're not sure he's going to make it through the night."

I certainly was not expecting that.  But what I wasn't expecting most is the violent way in which he was hit by the car.  For those of you who don't know...Here goes....

Outside of a restaurant a young man, Julius Reed - 20, was robbing my dad's car.  My dad tried to stop him or something of that nature (the details are still really fuzzy on that part for me) and Julius fled to his car and quickly tried to escape, hitting my dad (on purpose or accident, I still don't know).  Excuse the details...but he then hit the windshield of the vehicle and moments later was unconscious on the pavement. 

View the News Report Here

View News Report

I fell to my knees and sobbed a sob I never knew before that moment.  Nathan came to me immediately and began to pray that the Lord may heal him.  Prayers were going out all around the world for my dad that night.  

It's true, the Lord answers ALL prayers, just not always with the response that we want Him to.  I know that the Lord was here with me, because there is no other way I could've gotten through the news that came at 5:00 the next day.  June 13, 2010...My daddy, Grandpa Frank, and truly my best friend, was pronounced dead.  (News I had anticipated 12 hours before, but news I couldn't have possibly prepared myself for) 

I had made a very personal decision not to go to my dad's bedside.  Judge me if you will, but walk a mile in my shoes first.  I had just had two babies two weeks prior, I was recovering from surgery and also nursing two tiny babies.  There was no feasible way I could've gone to him, with our without my children.  Above all that, I had just had an AMAZING time with my dad.  There could've been nothing more special that my dad could've been a part of.  I was not prepared to fog this 'perfect picture' with the horrific images of my unresponsive dad, who lay dying.  I couldn't do it.  Furthermore, I was determined to be strong for my babies.  I believe that babies sense sadness, frustration, stress, depression and happiness too.  This was going to be difficult enough.  I wasn't sure that I could survive what may become of me if I went to my dad at that time.  He was already gone anyway.  I wouldn't be going there to say goodbye, he wasn't there.  He wouldn't have even known. 

In conclusion...

Never take even one moment for granted.

Live with no regrets

 I had no regrets with my dad.  He knew how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.  I knew how much he loved me.  There was no anger or resentment of any sort.  There was no question on where we stood. I believe this is another thing that has made this year a little better than it may have otherwise been.

Seek the Lord

It is not my effort to throw a 'poor pitiful me' party.  Each day gets better than the last and I know that the Lord has comforted me in ways I don't think I ever knew possible.  How do I know it was the Lord? Because I am not capable of that strength on my own.

View In Memory of Video Here (put together by my dad's family)

How Could I Forget?

Today I went to visit my friend, Jessica and her brand new baby girl (my future daughter in law), Kenleigh Grace, who is just four days old!  I was lucky enough to be able to hold her 6lb little self and I just broke into tears.  What it is about a tiny little baby that can evoke such emotion?  I shared with Jessica, that I don't remember my boys being that little...but they were.  Asher was a mere 5 pounds when we came home from the hospital...but I don't remember it.  How is that even possible?  How is it that we, as mothers and fathers, bring home these teeny tiny babies and one year later, 'grown' and walking, we forget what they once looked like?  How could we forget what it felt like to hold that little ball of innocence close to you?  I don't know how I could forget it, but there are often times I wish I could rewind time for just a little while and put us back in those small moments of magic.  

I somehow forgot to take a picture of Kenleigh, so the only related picture I have for this post is, of course, of my baby boys at a mere four days old....