As I may have shared with you before, I have been one to constantly wish my life way. For some strange reason, I always longed for that "next step" in life. When I was in high school I very specifically remember wanting so badly to just hurry up and graduate and get married and have babies... Yes, I know, that sounds silly, but it's the way I was. It was like I was waiting to get to some certain point in my life that would "complete" me.
It's incredible to me, the positive impact my dad's death has had on me. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here...I miss him terribly and sometimes I want to fall to the floor in tears and other times I fool myself into believing he's still alive and he's going to pick up the phone and call me and add the magic touch to my day the way that he used to. Yes, please do not misunderstand me, I wish over and over and over again that my dad was still alive and able to be here and see his wonderful grandsons grow and change day after day, but that's just not the way things turned out for us. So, as I was saying, with all of that in mind, I am truly amazed by the great impact my dad's absence has had on my life.
For the first time ever in my life, I am content. This could be due to the odd combination of having a wonderful family and losing my dad all in the same month, but no matter how it happened, it's here. The moment that I've been waiting to get to all my life is finally seated right next to me...not behind me, not two steps in front of me...it's here, right here with me in the present.
The sudden loss of my dad has left me with this feeling of "no tomorrow" I know that in many ways that may be a horrible and fearful way to live, but on the other hand it leaves me feeling much more appreciative of all that the Lord has given to me this day. It makes me find joy in moments that I would've overlooked before. It makes me hold my loved ones closer. It has certainly put my life in perspective and set my priorities straight. Usually, I am a high stress person and feel this urgency for everything....but somewhere in between the losing my dad and becoming a mother...it's all subsided. I'm truly thankful for everyday that I get and it's a wonderful feeling. No more wishing for tomorrow or next week, but now ability to be in this moment, right now and love it....just the way my daddy would've wanted it to be!
