Elated and Gulity

Elated and Guilty

Nearly into my third trimester and the realization of another baby is really starting to “kick” in (pun intended – as I feel this baby girl move all around).

From the moment I found out I was going to be a Mommy when I was expecting Asher and Nolan (of course I didn’t know it was two for several weeks) I loved them more than I ever imagined possible.  After two years of trying to conceive the  “Mommy Gene” had already kicked in full force.

Eight Weeks 3 Days with Asher and Nolan

During my entire pregnancy I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love with them as they gained genders, names, special places and things in our home that we would soon share with them…I loved them so much! 

Then they arrived….that impossible love..it grew, it doubled and so did my heart. 

Less than an hour old...Holding both of my babies at the same time for the first of MANY MANY times!

I’ve heard of people wondering how they will ever love their second child as much as their first, but I thought I was free of this worry for two reasons…I never expected to have another child AND I never had just one baby…well for 15 seconds in the delivery room if you want to get technical. J  In all seriousness though, I’ve always loved two…always divided my attention between two and doubled my love amongst them. 

I did not, however, escape this worry as I thought I had.  Tonight, guilt has swept over me.  I love Ellie..of course I do!  I still can’t believe we are going to have a daughter, that the Lord has blessed us with another child, but I fear the mother I may become.

Nathan says that I am too hard on myself and expect too much out of myself when it comes to being a Mommy, but I just don’t see how that’s possible.  If I do nothing else right in this world I want to be the wife and mother that the Lord intends me to be and fall not one inch short of that. 

When I think of the logistics of the “three under three” club (That’s three children under the age of three) it seems a bit challenging, as I’m sure it will be.  When I was pregnant with the boys I “prepared myself for the worst.”  I told myself that I wasn’t going to sleep for at least a year, that I wouldn’t have any free time for about five years and that certain household expectations would have to change, at least for a little while, and that for the first three months we would be in SURVIVAL MODE (alive, minimum sleep for everybody at some point, food, water, shelter) and anything further would be a great stride for that day.  That preparation and mode of thinking worked for me knowing I was providing my children the very best that I could offer them, but this time around…it’s different.  Survival mode cannot mean the same things.  I will have a baby AND two toddlers to care for.  I don’t want Asher and Nolan to miss out on activities, learning, fun, structure, or attention because I’m on survival mode with Ellie.  I want them to experience everything they did before being “big brothers”.  I pray that I never lose enough sleep that my children don’t know how much I love them.  I pray for patience, wisdom, kind words, a gentle spirit and endurance! 

I know this isn’t impossible, but at the moment with my pregnancy and mommy hormones running high, it’s brought about emotions that I don’t want to miss.  Without these feelings, I would never gain a plan of action to overcome these obstacles! 

Bottom line is, I love my children and I want to be the best Mommy for them!

Finding My Little Pice of Home...One Moment at a Time

Finding My Little Piece of Home…One Moment at a Time

Leaving Wilmington isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it certainly hasn’t been the most pleasant either.  Wilmington has been my home for the past ten years.  Having grown up in a military (aka traveling) family, I’ve never known a home to be a location for any length of time.  For the most part, as a child and even as a teenager, I appreciated this lifestyle and enjoyed the diversity that it added to my life.  This, however, has been a very different experience.

I moved to Wilmington fresh out of high school when I was eighteen years old.  When somebody asks, “where did you grow up?” I give one of two answers… “I was in a military family…so everywhere,”  or as I’ve newly come to understand, “I lived in Wilmington from 18 to 28 and THAT is when you REALLY grow up.”  It’s true.  That’s where my life seemed to begin.  College, a career, a passion (which has since almost faded from my life) for surfing and the ocean altogether, a teaching job that I learned so much from, my husband, our children, our church and some of the very best friends for which a girl could ask.

(Please forgive me if I failed to put a picture of you in here...if you are in my life in Wilmington and I love you then I hope you know I love you! These were just some of my most recent pictures I had for the blog) 

No, leaving Wilmington has not been easy.  There are so many things I miss about that place…It’s a place filled with so many very special memories.  I miss knowing people when we are out and about.  I miss knowing how to get from point A to point B without taking a wrong turn. I miss having favorite spots.  I miss walking down the street and knowing our neighbors by name.  I miss our church, where we were members our entire marriage – and attended regularly before that.  I miss the ocean air and the atmosphere of being at the beach.  I miss our sidewalks. I miss knowing where every gas station was, where the grocery stores were, the back roads to any place I wanted to get to. I miss going to El Cerro Grande and having a favorite server.  I miss quick trips to The Fuzzy Peach.  I miss pulling into my favorite access at Kure Beach.  I miss the river.  I miss the sunset.  I miss our tiny quaint little house – jammed packed with memories.  I miss my friends.  I miss my children’s friends (aka my friend’s children J)  I miss feeling local.  I miss a sense of security that ‘home’ seemed to offer. I miss my impromptu adventures with friends and play dates with friends…

It’s been difficult.  We’ve been in Kernersville for one month today and I’m still missing all of those things listed above.  I’m making an effort as best as I can, but I miss all of those things.  I go out on little ‘adventures’ and sometimes feel so defeated by this place as I make a wrong turn and wonder where I am. This house is beautiful and we are fortunate, but what I realized I miss the most about our old house is that it was filled with memories…memories that this place hasn’t had the opportunity to experience.

First Movie Night

Playing in the front yard

First 'cook out' on July 4th

Trying the new park

Ms. Mary's Annual Childrens Parade

Enjoying the new "playroom"

A little cooking...

I have no doubt that this will continue to be difficult for some time to come, but what I know is this…That old saying, “Home is where the heart is” has to be true. I hope that we will quickly fill this house and town with beautiful and fond memories.  Just last night Nathan was giving Asher & Nolan a bath and I heard Nathan playing with them and the boys were squealing and laughing and I saw a glimpse of hope.  They ARE my heart.  Those three people (and that one little girl growing inside of me) are my everything and they are here…which means THIS MUST BE THE BEST PLACE FOR ME!   

Two Years Without Him

It actually seems that it's been awhile since I've writing about him, my dad(dy).  But here we are, June 13, 2012...two full years that he's been gone, so it seems only right that I devote a moment to him today. 

In all honesty, sometimes I try not to think about him too much for fear that I'll begin to cry again.  And sometimes, a fond memory is able to bring only a smile to my face with no tears to follow. 

This year seems a lot 'easier' than the year before, the first anniversary of his death.  I still feel all of the pain that I felt then...A girl just needs her Daddy - no matter how hold she is! 

There are so many things that I miss about him, but mostly I miss how happy he made me.  Just talking with him on the phone always brought a smile to my face.  I've said it before and I'll say it again...I have never felt more understood by anybody else on the face of this earth. 

Sadly, two years later, living without him hasn't gotten any better it just starts to feel more normal....

I'll never stop loving you nor will I ever forget the joy you brought to my adult life!  Love, your baby girl...

Change is in the Air

I'm embarrassed at how much time has passed since I've last written....several months...not even the average embarrassing one month.  For the record, I'm not even going to try to attempt to fully recapture the past few months, because I'm certain it would simply end up as one more project on my list that will remain there for a bit longer.  Instead, I will touch on the important parts and try (again) to be more faithful about writing in the future. 

So here's all of the big stuff that has happened in the past few months...

1.  March 25, 2012 - We were surprised to find out we were expecting baby number three...Also referred to as Baby E (for our last name, but an indication of the baby's actual name as we will not find out the gender until July) 

Our first ultrasound of Baby E...Nathan wanted to be sure they looked around good enough...to make sure there was only ONE baby in there!  Sure enough, just one :)

April 18, 2012 - The Reveal - You're going to be big brothers!

12 Weeks with Baby E

15 Weeks with Baby E

2.  End of April 2012 - Nathan got a promotion with his job and we are moving in June...We began saying goodbyes and living it up in Wilmington!

Paddle Boats...Well, with two toddlers on our laps, it sort of just turned into a float boat or maybe even a sail boat! 

Our last trip to the amazing Britts Donuts!

Our last day together at Kure Beach!! Man, I'm going to miss this place!

A day at the beach with Grandma (Ba-ba)

Nathan tries to get in a last few rides....

Daddy takes Nolan in the water

3.  May 27, 2012 - Our babies turned TWO YEARS OLD!!!!! 

"Happy Birthday To You..." (No candles...Didn't figure we would win the fight with the wind)

My "police themed" (ha) Birthday Cake

A present that they've had their eyes on since November 2011! 

May 27, 2012 - Two years together!!! The best two years of my life thus far!

Needless to say, it's been an adventurous few months....I hope to be back soon...at least less than three months!!!

I think I wrote a mini-novel!

Sunday, March 04, 2012

The Decision:

As Asher and Nolan’s SECOND BIRTHDAY neared, I found that they were becoming more and more interested in the potty.  So, my husband left for a two day business trip and in that moment that I dropped him off at the airport, I decided…This is it! This is the time to do it.  I will have two full days to commit to potty training without having to worry about housework, showers, extensive cooking, getting dressed etc.  I was committed. My main reason for doing this before their second birthday was because I didn’t want to be ‘caught up in potty training’ during the summer when we would want to be doing all of the fun stuff.  I was going into this with the attitude that if it works it works, if it doesn’t it doesn’t but I was going to give it a real effort.  I was actually excited about it, but anticipated that I would be exhausted mentally and physically. (And that would be proven true!)

My approach was decided.  I am an all or nothing kind of girl and I figure the same principle apply to potty training.  So we had purchased our special snacks to reward dryness, new underpants and gerber training pants.  I would put them in their underwear when they work up, take them to the potty on regular intervals (and when they wet their pants).  That sounds easy enough, right?

Monday, March 05, 2012

Potty Training – Day 1

I woke up ready to tackle the task at hand and commit myself entirely!  I had all of my kitchen timers, my paper and pens to write everything down to try to find some rhyme or reason in their internal patterns, special snacks, Clorox wipes, towels…oh…AND TARPS ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!!!!

The morning was PURE CHAOS!  My 10:30 we had peed through all of the training pants and underwear….so we took a trip to Wal-Mart to re-stock.

Back home and back at it. 

Day one results…

Asher peed in the potty 7 times and in his pants 15

Nolan peed in the potty 3 times and in his pants 10

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Potty Training – Day 2

“Okay, we can do this! Yesterday went completely as expected, let’s see what day two holds”

Not quite as chaotic.  My day pretty much consisted of setting a million timers for when to use the potty and how long to stay on the potty and watching a whole lot of Elmo Potty Time on Youtube (while on the potty).  (FYI this is the MOST TV my children have EVER watched in one day – I don’t really let them watch tv, but this helped with getting them to sit on the potty for longer periods of time)

Oddly enough, Asher, Nolan and I are enjoying this time together! Life is busy, but this situation allows me to be completely committed to them without any guilt and we’re all loving this extra attention!

Day 2 Results….

Asher peed in the potty 6 times and in his pants 9 times

Nolan peed in the potty 7 times and in his pants 2 times (A far cry different than yesterday!)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Potty Training – Day 3

I’m starting to wear down…When I say that my entire being has been dedicated to potty training over the past two full days that doesn’t even begin to explain the effort….

Day 3 Results….

Asher peed in the potty 4 times and in his pants 4 times

Nolan peed in the potty 3 times and in his pants 3 times

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Potty Training – Day 4

The tarps have been removed….

My mom asked me a question today that really irritated me (at first), “Why are you doing this?  Why are you pushing for this? They are too young.”  Slightly annoyed I gave her all of my reasoning and we had a discussion about it and that was that…..

Day 4 Results…

Asher peed in the potty 6 times and in his pants 4 times

Nolan peed in the potty 5 times and in his pants 2 times

**I would like to note that many of the times they peed in the potty were times that they told me that they had to pee and not just because of my kitchen timer, because don’t we all pee at the sound of the bell???**

I called my amazingly supportive friend Allison, who tends to share the same views as I do about just about everything involving child rearing to safety, cleanliness, discipline, nutrition etc etc etc.  She encouraged me (as usual!!) and I was determined to keep going.

But, That night when I went to bed the question was eating away at me, “Why?”

Friday, March 08, 2012

Potty Training – Day 5

I woke up crying!  I thought to myself…I just took what little baby that they had left and literally flushed it down the toilet.  I vowed to myself that I would never rush their growing up and look what I’m doing. 

Today was a busy day.

Day 5 Results

Asher peed in the potty 5 times and in his pants 2 times (when we had company)

Nolan peed in the potty 3 times and in his pants 6 times (three of which when we had company )

Feeling very torn and confused.  The conversation I had with my mom was till ringing loudly in my head and I didn’t feel as though I was all in or all out.  I went through the day a bit scattered about what direction I was heading. 

Again, I called my amazing friend Allison and she encouraged me.  She’s great like that.  And she gets me, she really gets me so she’s a great resource!

After a few more tears after the boys finally went to bed, I talked with my mom again admitting that what she had said to me really got me thinking.  As the conversation continued she helped me come to the following ideas…

This is such a special time and I really don’t want to spend it sitting on the toilet feeling isolated from everything and depriving my boys of fun adventures that little twenty- one and a half little boys should be having.  I don’t want to become overwhelmed and frustrated and take the great attitude they have about potty training and ruin it!  I want to fully enjoy this special tender age that will already be gone before I know it.  Here’s the biggest one….they just weaned last month and now I’m going to make the pee in the potty!  (What am I doing?!?!)

I was still battling though…..We are already 5 full days into this…how can I quit on them now!  I am so proud of them, they have made such huge huge strides!!!  Amazing progress…for boys (gasp) and under two (gasp!)
 

But this is what got me….It goes back to a conversation with Allison that I will remember forever!  I was speaking with her when my boys were younger about how they wouldn’t sleep through the night and everybody was telling me that they should be sleeping through the night and I was trying to ‘train’ them (to a certain extent – we are NOT talking a full on cry it out method) And she said to me something like this, “Does it bother you to get up with them and nurse them?”

I said,  “No.”

She replied with such ease, “Then keep doing it! I have a feeling you are going to miss those nights when they are no longer waking up.”

What simple logic!  I loved it!  So that’s what I did.  I got up every night and nursed my babies until they were 11 months old and THEY slept through the night on their own.

I think the same logic is applicable here.  Does it bother me to change diapers?  No, not particularly.  It actually bothers me more to think that I am missing out on precious time with my boys and precious family time because we’re sitting on the potty. 

So, here is my decision after 5 full days of potty training boot camp!  We’re not quitting we are just changing our approach.  We will go for a more casual or relaxed approach to potty training.  We will continue to talk about the potty and award dryness.  We will continue to use the potty if the need is indicated in some way.  We will wear cloth training pants (Can’t wait to get the Flip Training Pants Set) And we will enjoy our special time together! 

Yes, I am choosing what I think is best for our family and we’re not quitting…We’re just changing our approach!