Committed and Undivided

Committed and Undivided.

Over four years ago (shortly after we found out we were expecting twins) Nathan and I went back and forth about the decision for me to transition to a stay at home mom.  This is something we prayed about for some time, especially as we knew it would be a HUGE financial challenge to go from two incomes to one income.  However, the cost of child care for two infants would’ve eaten most of what I would’ve brought home anyway. 

 

One of the reasons I wanted so badly to become a stay at home mom was because --- and I had forgotten about this until just tonight ---- I had already felt so torn.  I felt like I was devoting so much of my time and energy and who I was to teaching and had little energy, motivation, patience, etc for my husband.  I have the personality that when I do something I really want to commit to it…maybe even over commit.  I was finding being a wife and teacher difficult to balance because I didn’t feel like I was giving 100% to either, leaving me frustrated with both identities. 

 

When I considered adding the role of Mommy into the already, personally difficult, wife and teacher I feared that I could not divide myself well enough between these three roles and would become increasingly frustrated and unsatisfied with myself. 

 

Like I said, I had forgotten all of that until tonight.  I was cleaning the floor (where all big AHA moments occur J)  and I began to think on this.  I am currently taking a class to keep my teaching license up to date.  It is an online class that only lasts five weeks.  Embarrassingly, I have found this difficult to keep up with.  I am supposed to devote about five hours a week to this class…which, for some reason, I just can’t seem to find.  It’s a lot of posting on discussion boards and commenting on other peoples posts.  (Kind of like school facebook, but not quite as user friendly.)  The content of the class is not what I’m struggling with….it’s the desire and effort to go into the class that I cannot seem to find. 

 

And tonight I realized why.  Because of my “committed” personality….as oxymoronic as it seems…For lack of a better phrase….  I just don’t care – ENOUGH.  For almost the past four years my family (my husband and children) have been my main priority and apparently I find it difficult to focus on anything outside of that.  When I’m all in…I’m ALL in.

 

I know SAHM’s have a bad reputation for “sitting on the couch and eating bon bons”  (I still have no clue what that is, by the way)  However, I take my job as SAHM (and WIFE) very seriously.  I don’t just play with my kids, I feel it is my responsibility to do many things in the home.  Being a SAHM/Wife for me means that each week I’m spending time planning for “homeschool”  for the boys, focusing on healthy meals on a budget and therefore menu planning, couponing, running errands, being budget conscious, scheduling to make all of our lives easier, documenting memories through writings and photographs, keeping things organized and clean, spending time with my children, making three meals a day (and cleaning them up!) and that’s not even a list of the cleaning I do on a daily basis. 

 

I say this not to say that I do more or less than any other SAHM or Working Mom…I say this because I’ve just realized this truth about myself for the first time in about four years….That I am dedicated and seemingly unable to divide that dedication.  I’m sure in some ways this is a good thing and in other ways it may inhibit me some.

 

Being a mommy (working or not) is not always the most outwardly rewarding job in the world.  There is no paycheck at the end of the month, no vacation time, no special awards or recognition, no rule book or guidelines, no staff meetings, no sick days…and like an article I recently read stated…It seems like all the ‘little’ work you do…nobody notices (God notices – The article states) 

Here’s the thing though….Reflecting back remember praying through my tears that we would somehow figure out a way for me to stay home because I was TERRIFIED I was going to MISS all of these tender years with my kids….I would’ve never imagined it would’ve turned out like this. 

 

Being a Mommy is NOT easy (no matter if you have a job outside of the home or not!)  There are some days that I wish for a second I could go to work just to change up the scenery or feel useful or valuable or like a human being again…. And then, I have awesome days with my kids!  (I still can’t believe we are about to have FOUR kids…. Never saw myself as a Mommy of FOUR but the Lord has blessed us!)  Yep!  I have awesome days with my kids!  …. I also have awful days with my kids… or at least a few awful hours every so often J  …. How lucky am I that I have a supportive husband who’s hard work allows me to have the opportunity to have awesome days with my kids…everyday!  Not every hour in every day can be amazing, but like I’ve said before, we can have many PERFECT MOMENTS and for that opportunity, I am so so very thankful. 

 

I’m thankful that I don’t have to divide myself and decide which role to put more time or energy into… I am wife and Mommy and, realizing once again, THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE!!