Outgoing Call

Today, while driving down the road, I thought about all of the anxiety I was having about “Irene” (a Hurricane headed our way – in case you didn’t now) and picked up the phone to call my dad because I knew he’d cheer me up…Then I remembered…..

This moment caught me so far off guard and sent me into an array of emotions.  I’ve thought about calling him before, but never actually gone through the motions and picked up the phone and dialed his number. 

My dad’s death changed me in more ways than even I am aware of…some good, some not so good, but the greatest is the appreciation for today, the joy in the little things, a new ability to put previous stressors (well most of them) aside to enjoy the here and now, and an amazing capability to recognize all of our many blessings of the Lord. Of the ‘not so good’ are the fear that tomorrow will never come, an urgency to be prepared for the worst, a panic-like need to have my family close by, and an obsession with making and keeping memories recorded and safe.  None of the ‘not so good ones’ are traits that I can say I’m particularly proud of, but it’s here and it’s honest.

After the one year anniversary passed, I thought it’d get easier.  In many ways it has, but I honestly can’t say that I appreciate it.  As I told my mom the other day….I realized I’m thinking of him less and forgetting things about him one by one.  That scares me.  As an only child from divorced parents I have no one to really keep those memories alive with, and for the sake of my children…that devastates me. 

I’ll tell you what I do have though….The big thing that saved me from falling into a dark hole after my dad died….I knew he loved me more than anything.  I knew he was proud of everything I had become.  I knew he respected the woman I was.  I knew he knew how much I loved him.  I knew we had no ill words to speak of one another.  We had long since gotten our grievances out years ago and were able to move forward with freshness and hope.  

I know of many people who will hold a grudge over something for a long time.  That is a heavy burden to be carrying around.  What if your tomorrow never came?  Would you be leaving a loved one behind who questioned your love?  What if your loved one’s tomorrow never came?  Are there apologies that need to be made?  Forgiveness that needs to occur?  Love that needs to be revived?  I think of this so often and am so thankful for the relationship my Daddy and I had – it was amazing.  Although I miss him…I have no question about where we stood with one another - The love between us and special bond could be spotted from a million miles away.  I smile everytime I think about it.

What if your tomorrow never came?  Is there something you need to clear up today?  Are there people that need to know how much you love them?  Don’t take for granted that they know – Tell them!! Today….

Changes, Transitions & Some Smiles Too!

In one short week, my little (babies) guys will be 15 months!  I don’t know that it will ever cease to amaze me how such short periods of time have the capability to change so much.  At twelve months, I could almost convince myself that Asher & Nolan were still babies, but now, a few short days away from 15 months, I can no longer deny the fact that they are toddlers….walking, running, dancing, laughing, joking, playing, climbing and exploring in new ways everyday! 

Toddlerhood with twins brings about a new set of challenges as well as some additional excitement.  Our first big hurdle has been the transition from two naps to one.  I fought this for as long as I could, trying to get my boys to take two naps everyday, but as I watched them they gave me more than enough indication that they were ready for the BIG SWITCH. It was starting to take them longer to fall asleep for their morning nap and then it didn’t last for long.  Then they were unable to fall asleep during their afternoon nap.  They would just lay in their cribs for up to an hour rolling around, talking, singing and giggling.  The biggest indication was the day we were out past their usual nap time and they weren’t acting tired nor did they fall asleep in the car ride home.  I got the message then. So, the transition began.  (about a week ago)  I’ve found that it’s easier to keep them awake in the morning hours if we are out and about, which is pretty fun for us!  It’s still a work in progress…but I think we’ll get there soon enough. 

MOLARS MOLARS EVERYWHERE!  My poor babies…eh-hem…I mean, toddlers, have molars coming in all over the place.  Poor Asher has always cut multiple teeth at one time.  He’s usually a champ about it, but molars sort of changed that.  He has had four molars coming in for the past several weeks as well as one eye tooth!  Nolan has two coming in as well.  That’s seven teeth between the two of them which makes the need for a few extra snuggles! 

Mommy Did What?!

Last month, for the first time EVER, the boys went to bed without the ‘need’ of Mommy.  Nathan put them to bed while I met up with some girlfriends.  It’s strange how it gives me a sense of freedom, yet I still HATE to be away from them.  It happened at just the right time though because I was able to go to dinner with my very good friend, Courtney to celebrate her birthday.  A month ago, I would’ve never been able to do that because I wouldn’t allow myself to be out past 7:30 because I felt the need and desire to be there for Asher and Nolan.  It thrills me to know that we’ve raised children that can feel secure in a variety of settings. 

I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll continue to say it until my little guys are 50 or more, but I do miss my babies, but oh how I enjoy this stage where they can interact with us and even find things comical.  I appreciate the ‘big boy’ that’s starting to come out in them. 

Bedridden & Blessed

You just never know when or where you are going to find a blessing.  Sometimes, the greatest blessings seem to turn out of the most unexpected places. 

This past week I had a 24 hour stomach virus.  While it was only 24 hours…each of those hours were horrendous…filled with nausea, vomiting, multiple trips to the ‘powder room’ and a whole lot of laying around. 

I thank the Lord that my children are (usually) so well behaved..and they have each other to play with! On this day in particular, they were ANGELS!  They’ve must’ve known that Mommy was not feeling well. 

It wasn’t until I laid my head down that night to go to sleep that I realized that despite my constant urge to purge (so to speak) I had a really great day.  I am a ‘go go go’ kind of person, but this sickness left me still and able to sit back and really watch my babies play together and on their own and with me some too.  I felt richly blessed to be able to watch all of the funnies they were doing and the feeling of needing to get up and get the laundry out of the dryer or to clean up the kitchen or to mop the floor or to sweep or to clean the bathrooms had left me completely.  All my body was able to do was to be in that moment with my laughing little boys….and vomit or no vomit there’s nowhere in the world I would’ve rather been!