Two Little Lines

One year ago I experienced one of the most incredible moments of my life. 

For those of you that don't know Nathan and I tried for almost two years to conceive a child.  This long struggle turned out to be an opportunity for God to get a hold of me and teach me. 

After the first year, I came to a point where I truly believed that I would never be able to conceive a child.  It was at that moment that I realized that this was something far greater than myself.  I finally handed it over to the Lord and realized that even with all of the tricks, if God didn't want me to conceive then it just wasn't going to happen.  I had to learn to have faith that the Lord was going to make my life what he would have it to be regardless of how I was feeling. 
Pregnancy tests became something that I developed such anxiety over.  I just knew every month that the result was going to be the same.  NO!  Every month it was a NO.  However, the October day came that I once again had to take a test.  Before I could blink my eyes I saw two perfect little lines.  I couldn't catch my breath fast enough.  I was pacing all around the house hardly able to breathe.  I called Nathan and my mom and dad.  They were among the first to know.  I hope that that memory remains with me forever.  It was one of the most amazing moments in my life filled with appreciation, hope, fear, amazement and pure excitement. 

From that second I thanked the Lord and prayed that I would be able to carry a healthy baby to term.  All of my prayers were answered (times two) Each day I still thank the Lord for my two healthy baby boys and family. 

Two long hard years to see those two little lines followed by two perfect little boys! 

Having Kids Changes Everything

 How many times have you heard somebody tell an upcoming new mom, "Having kids changes everything."  What people usually mean by this are things like....
You won't sleep again for a long time . You'll never have a moment to yourself again.  It will be nearly impossible to accomplish anything.  Shower?  What is that?! You and your husband won't be able to spend any time together anymore.  All your money will go to your babies.  There won't be any peace and quiet ever again. 

It seems that everybody fails to mention things like...
There is no love like the love you feel when you first lay eyes on your child that has been growing inside of you for so long.  Every time your baby looks into your eyes you fall in love all over again.  You will become the most selfless version of yourself that you've ever known.  The center of your universe will change forever.  Your children bring a special kind of joy and excitement that can't be found elsewhere.  There are few other things in this life that will make you feel as lucky as you do every time you look into the eyes of your baby.  Your baby will give you a million reasons to smile each day. 

While I sometimes feel some of the things mentioned on the first list, I choose to acknowledge the joys from the second for some of the following reasons... 

Spontaneous...A work in Progress

Spontaneous:  given to acting upon sudden impulses.  Anybody who knows me knows that this “spontaneous” is not a word that you would use to describe me.  As much as I want to be spontaneous all of my habits and schedules seem to rule my life.  I’m slowly trying to break away from this as I don’t want my children to be this way eventually making it difficult to enjoy life’s simple pleasures.  You don’t write “stop and smell the roses” on your to do list. 

Well, one of my first acts of spontaneity proved to be excellent.  We decided to go lunch with our good friends, the Hunts.  And the next thing we know…an hour and a half later…we were at the beach.  It was a beautiful early evening and a great time to be with friends.  The boys were sitting on the beach smiling when they would usually be in the bathtub.  I wasn’t even in a panic.  The boys didn’t get to bed until after 8:00 and we all had a great night’s sleep!  :D  Perhaps I can allow myself some future spontaneous events!

Happy Birthday?

The anticipated sadness of the day was difficult.  Four months ago, I was so looking forward to spending this birthday with my daddy.  Knowing, however, that I will never spend another birthday with him weighs heavy on my heart.  It is for this, and several other reasons that I found it slightly difficult to get through this day with a smile for my boys. 

I am trying to remind myself of all of the things I have to be thankful for.  My mom was here to spend my birthday with me.  My husband made me French toast for my birthday breakfast.  Asher and Nolan were sitting with me as I blew out my birthday candles…but somehow, I just wasn’t able to allow all of that to fill the hole that I felt today. 

There is a happy ending though…

So….after having to go to the doctor’s office this morning and then to the boys’ physical therapy appointment directly after that, I didn’t feel like going home to an empty house.  I called my friend to see if she was having her weekly get together, but then found out it had been cancelled.   Okay, perhaps I will go see Allison. I’m just not one of those people who just shows up at your door without notice, but I did not have a way to get a hold of her so I had no choice but to show up.  I continue to drive around aimlessly wondering what to do.  Meanwhile, I miss a phone call from Allison, wishing me a happy birthday and mentioning that she was hoping to see me today at our friend’s get together J  All of this aimless driving resulted in me being lost in this giant neighborhood.  I couldn’t find my way out!  What?!  Fine, I’m just going home!  This is ridiculous!

I’m driving home, about to burst into tears when I tell myself, “No, you drove all of this way to see Allison.  You go see her!”  Right before getting onto the highway, I have a change of plans and make a u turn back to the directions of Allison’s house. 

After my detour, I arrive to her street and notice that there is a car parked outside of her house and then again question whether or not it is okay for me to just show up at somebody’s house unexpectedly…especially when they have company.  Again, I give myself a pep talk, “No, you have come all this way and gone through all of this to see her…you go knock on the door at least to say hello.”

I nervously approach the door and knock gently so as not to possibly wake her precious baby. After three attempts at knocking, an unfamiliar man comes to the door.  I think to myself, very quickly, “Who is this man at Allison’s house in the middle of the day?  I know that she is a good, faithful Christian wife.  Why is this man at her house and why is he answering the door?” 

I ask, “Is Allison home?????”

“Allison?” he repeats back to me.

“Yes, Allison.” I say, completely confused.

“No, I think you have the wrong house,” he says looking at me as though I’ve just escaped the loony bin. 

I walk away wondering what that man is doing at Allison’s and why she didn’t come to the door.  After all, her car was in the driveway.  I wondered if everything was okay and as I approached my car at the curb I looked to the left and then to the right making sure I was on the right street.  After all, I’d been to Allison’s house quite a few times.  And as I reached for the handle on my door and looked to the left one more time….I realized that there, three houses down, stood….Allison’s house. 

At that point, I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.  Luckily, I was able to share this story with her and then I could laugh about it!

How can this not make you smile?!

Work?

Tomorrow I am going to work for the first time since the boys were born.  Luckily, it is only to sub for a half of a day, but I have never not been here when they wake up for the day and have never not been with them for more than a few hours...that was only once....and I was less than two miles away!!! 

Somehow, I am NERVOUS about substituting tomorrow.  Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever heard?  I've been teaching since 2005 and I'm nervous about being a half of a day sub?!  Wish me luck!!!

The Whole Night Through!

I just HAVE to let everybody know that on September 13, 2010 BOTH of my baby boys slept the WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH.  Just to be more clear, I mean from 8:00pm - 5:30am!!!!!  Can you believe it?!  Let's hope and pray that means that they are finally getting the hang of this sleep thing and plan on spending many more nights asleep...ALL NIGHT LONG :D 

"I'll see you in September...."

Tomorrow marks the three month anniversary of my dad's death. On one hand it doesn't seem like three months has passed and on the other it feels like I haven't seen or talked to him in ages. This three month anniversary is taking a greater toll on me than the previous two months.  This is the month that he planned to visit the boys and myself.  I remember him saying, "September.  I'm coming back in September.  The boys will be three months old by then and we can celebrate your birthday.  Yeah, that's what I'll do..."  When he kissed me goodbye, I never could've imagined that that September day would never come....for me, Nathan, or Asher and Nolan. 

My dad...He's smiling :D 

Last year my husband arranged a wonderful surprise birthday party for me, inviting all of the precious people in my life, including my mom, step-dad, my dad and several wonderful friends.  This was the first birthday that I had spent with my dad in ages, probably since I was a very young child of about seven years old or so.  This memory will forever stay with me.  It was so special.  The funny thing is the night before the surprise party, I had a dream that I had a surprise party and I turned around and my dad was there.  All day I kept thinking that that would be such an amazing present...a surprise party AND my dad...to bad it's just a dream.  Then, the next day, my dreams became reality.  I arrived at Hiro's and saw all of my friends and then several moments later I turned around and THERE WAS MY DADDY!  My mom captured this moment on camera, but we cannot find the picture.  I long very much for this picture because it captured the look on my face that clearly stated how much I love my daddy. 

In the past year I saw my dad more times in one year than I had in four or five years combined.  It was a great year.He surprised me on my birthday in September.  I surprised him on Father's Day.  (One of few Father's Days we have ever spent together.) 

Then we were able to spend July 4th together with his family.

Nathan and I saw him again during New Year's.

Then he was here for the most amazing week of our lives to celebrate the birth of Asher and Nolan.  It really does sadden me that my dad won't be able to be around for my boys.  He was such an amazing dad and he was already so good at the Grandpa thing!  He really had it down! 

Grandpa Frank with "Little Frank"  (AKA Asher)

 Posting this blog, I have just learned something important. 

"Don't always be the invisible one behind the camera"

My dad was so busy taking pictures of all of us during Asher and Nolan's arrival, that we failed to capture him in many pictures.  He was there for so much their first week, yet he was the one behind the camera.  It's just not the same to say to my boys, "Your Grandpa Frank took this picture."  So to all of you moms, dads, grandpas, grandmas, aunts, uncles and friends....

If you're there to take the picture, get in it!

What a fantastic year! I try to remind myself of all of these special times that my dad shared with us. I think of him everyday and strive to keep all of his memories alive with us.